This Jar of Hearts

     So today is Christmas Day and I'm not feeling very festive as I begin to write this. My family is spending Christmas till New Year's in Florida, except for my Dad who is in New York. Today is also my father's birthday and he didn't go to Florida because he doesn't travel. My room mate got me a couple presents for Christmas and I didn't get him anything. I feel really bad about it... actually I feel like sh*t. I'll make it up to him I guess. The issue on my mind however is far from the festivus of the holidays, it's the premise of attraction.
     This morning I learned something that greatly disturbed me. I pretty much figured it out once a vital clue was dropped and that catalyst made all the pieces fall into place. I have a close friend at work, Danae, who is very much a confidant for me and she confides in me as well. She's been telling me about these two guys she's been seeing; 1: "Clingy", a very attached young guy who she is primarily sexually attracted to and not much else. It's no strings attached or friend with benefits type arrangement. However the guy has feelings for her and she has none for him. 2:"Situation", an unmarried guy who lives with his on-again, off-again girlfriend and mother of his kids. She has grown attached to him and cares for him but his uncaring attitude plus his verbal abuse makes him unsuitable to be in an actual relationship. Also mostly a friends with benefits arrangement. Plus his "situation" with his (ex)girlfriend is rather unsavory, hence his nickname. Danae is also a single mom, which makes her daughter another factor.
     Now that we're all caught up to speed... Danae tried to cut herself off from "Clingy" and "Situation" but they both still pester her. "Situation" especially because she does have feelings for him but all he wants from her is sex and she knows this. He holds her emotions hostage by saying he cares and being charming but reverts back to being a jerk when he doesn't get his way. Now the thing that shocked me in my self discovery of "Situation's" identity was when Danae told me she saw him at work during shift change. "Wait, he's here?" I thought to myself and I immediately pieced together who it was. The cocky attitude, the baby mama drama, the macho-sexual self confidence that makes you want to puke... "Situation" is the BIGGEST DOUCHE BAG at the office. I always referred to him as "Drama", which is also a tattoo he has on his neck, classy right?
     So here's my thoughts: Why is it that women are so attracted to these bad boy types? Men who are so totally wrong for them or just completely emotionally devoid to women that nice guys don't stand a chance because they are so emotionally damaged after being with these jerks. The world is full of broken women that wouldn't know true love if it bit them in the rear. It's not their fault though, the world glorifies the sexual prowess of a man. Look at "Jersey Shore" or any movie in the past 20 years that puts the "player" on a pedestal. A woman who commits the same crime is seen as a "slut" or "loose", even though she's simply acting how a typical man is believed to act. It comes down to fantasy and instant gratification. Movies are fantasy while television is instant gratification. Television shows you the Jersey Shore and every one wants to emulate a bunch of morons. Movies like "The Notebook", "Titanic" or "Pretty Woman" show you fantasy. The fantasy of what attraction is supposed to be, but as they say, that only happens in the movies.
      I think I finally found a purpose for this blog, to explore the laws of attractions and why things happen between nice guys, good girls and bad boys.... Let the adventure begin.

No Good Deed Goes Unpunished

     I woke up this morning with a feeling of utmost hurt. My heart hurts and there is a legitimate pain in my chest to remind me that it hurts. The past two weeks have been filled with uncertainty only to be concluded with future ambiguity. My pain however is my own doing. I carelessly fell in love with another person with out evaluating the entire situation. But that's what happens when you become enamored with someone... you fall. It was a nice feeling though, to care about someone that genuinely appreciated the company you provide. But the timing was all wrong. She didn't have time to properly heal from her last relationship and my pursuit of her probably has extended that healing period. That hurt has caught up to her and she decided that romantic feelings need to be put aside. My feelings for her however are undying. I don't want to lose that, but it hurts to hold on to something such as unrequited love.
     In the meantime I have tried to right the wrongs that have been prolonged since late September. Kelli, a long standing friend of Hope, has been incommunicado since her mother no longer wanted anything to do with myself or Hope. This stems from a day long birthday celebration that lasted into the next morning and Kelli's mother is extremely overprotective. The veracity was skewed and the blame was placed on us. Her mother also has been by Kelli's side since and they are always seen in tandem. Well a week ago I decided to save their friendship by apologizing to Kelli's mother so our circle of friends could be rejoined. It worked, or so I believed. A few days ago I socialized with my friend Barnes and Kelli, of course with her mother in tow. It seemed like the good old days, only with Hope not present. As we all prepared to travel to another venue, Kelli's mother made comments to me about Hope. I defended her but was rebuffed by more disparaging comments. Unfortunately no one else was around to hear the conversation so my only proof is my word. I felt uncomfortable about the whole event and left early without saying goodbye.
     Yesterday I volunteered at a Food Bank, handing out food to needy families. It was a good feeling to help others. I did this for roughly five hours, helping at least over a hundred families and moving over 5,000 pounds of food. It was a rush and I definitely found a new cause in my life by being a volunteer. Afterwards I went home and later on got to see Hope for the first time in a couple weeks. I brought by some Christmas gifts and during our conversation I told her about the events from the other night. Upon that news, she contacted Kelli and an argument ensued. It effectively ended their friendship. This was the complete opposite of my intentions. Afterwards I had a deep talk with Hope. She affirmed to me that she only wanted to remain friends and that the idea of being romantically attached to anyone at this time was out of the question. My resolve remained the same, I would always be her friend. So now I feel out of place, completely out of of the loop but not lost. I know what I want and where I want to go but unsure when that will happen. That's just the uncertainty of life I guess. New Year's is only 8 days and I can't wait for this year to end. New beginnings with resolutions to achieve and perhaps voids in this life that will be filled in the year to come.

Nothing to Celebrate

I always feel compelled to return to this blog. I'm not the type to start things without finishing them. Nothing much to report these days. Bills seem to be under control, not like the summer where money was flying out the window. Spending has been greatly curtailed and luxuries like satellite TV are gone. I've been trying to ween myself off fast food, especially since I spent nearly $90 on it last month. That $90 could have easily went to groceries and fed me for much longer. However a lot of my debts are coming down on me this month. My car payment has been increased due to a lapse in insurance from last summer. I need to take a traffic school class that I've been dodging before the 12th of this month or pay in full for a ticket I got in July. My Verizon bill is going to include my cancellation fee for $230, since I went to Sprint. So many things involving money... money I really don't have.
Also Christmas is right around the corner. Christmas is my least favorite time of year. Between the total lack of celebratory glee I used to get as a child and the circumstances of my divorce... Christmas doesn't have much meaning for me. I feel dead inside when Christmas comes around, like it's just another day. I'm not a Scrooge or Grinch about it, just not excited about it. I feel bad when I can't buy presents for people I care about. However I know Christmas is not about presents. It's just what ever feelings I used to have about Christmas is gone and I don't know if I'll ever get them back.

I Came To Win

....Continued from "Trials & Tribulations"
On a lighter note, I find a positive outcome to my moments of doubt. It allows me to reflect on my past and gauge what outcomes I seek for the future. My resolve strengthens and I resume on a track of moving forward. I know exactly what I want. It's right in front of me... However what I desire is wild and untameable, like the sea... and perhaps just as cold. No matter, "what the heart wants, the heart wants" and very much so willing to fight for it.
Someone once asked me "Are you a lover or a fighter?" I replied "I'm both." This particular person told me, "You can't be both... you're either one or the other." So I said "Well then.. I'm a fighter." I've fought my whole life. I was bullied in grade school. Was never popular among my classmates. I was picked on cause I was smaller than everyone else. But, I had a good heart. Perhaps too much heart for my own good. All the disappointments endured in this life have made me tougher. I'm a fighter because you can fight for love. You can fight for others even if they don't know you or even care about you. You fight because it's the right thing to do. A fighter never quits, even if they appear to be outmatched or even over powered. It doesn't matter because if you fight with everything you got, the only way you lose is by self defeat.
Dr. Martin Luther King Jr is credited with saying, "A man who won't die for something is not fit to live." Funny the way I came across this quote but entirely not important. It made me self examine my character. What am I willing to die for? A question not easily answered but made me reflect on a creed I once memorized. A portion of it goes like this: "In the race for victory, I am swift, determined, and courageous, armed with a fierce will to win." Words... simple yet inspiring. All it takes are a few words and you can inspire others perhaps even yourself. This self-inspiration is what makes the goal obtainable. I don't know why these things happened but I'm glad they did. Everyday I'm stronger than the day before. I know what I want and I'm willing to fight for it. I don't fight for the hell of it either... I fight to win.

Trials & Tribulations

I found some time to myself to post to my blog at work. Not like it's a big thing to have some time to write but the opportunity is rare. Reduced manpower at the workplace has left the chance to use a computer as pretty much slim to none. Writing my thoughts while still fresh in my head gives me the chance to express myself with raw emotion. Nothing worse in my opinion then having to write about one's emotions by recall.
I feel stupid... I feel this way because I've let my heart dictate what my actions should be without reasonable thought. I told myself that I've fallen in love with someone but since the relationship hasn't reached a level beyond friendly companionship I've begun to have second thoughts about the whole idea. Maybe I'm wrong about this one... Maybe I'm right but it's just going to take more time... Maybe I don't know anything...
Some one I follow on Twitter tweeted earlier "When we lack love for ourselves, our behaviors fall into one of two categories: getting or protecting." I've always seen myself as a protector, a person who goes out of their way for others. I used to think it was due to having an altruistic personality but now currently thinking otherwise. My conclusion: I'm stupid... and too nice.
I swear I'm lacking some a**hole gene or something that makes it close to impossible for me not to be nice. Constantly worrying about others think about me is something that drives me up a wall. "I'm too nice." This thought echoes in my head. "I'm too nice." This personality trait has wreaked chaos on my relationships with people. I tried being a more crass individual, surprisingly it worked. People are more attracted to people who act like jerks. The downside of it is: I didn't like myself.
To be continued...

Hope, Faith and Persistance

So it's been four weeks since my last post. There's been plenty I've been wanting to write about but... My feelings regarding my affections have been reserved for off the web conversations. My last post caused some waves in my personal life that I prefer not to be repeated. That being said, life has returned to a plateau of normalcy, depending on whatever you consider to be normal. My financial situation is starting to become one of a "what can I live without" scenario. For instance, as I write this DirecTV has canceled my service due to the fact that my DirecTV bill has not been payed in two months. So I decided that I can live without satellite TV and instead will have streaming television through my Xbox. I am able to get free WiFi and figured that the combined cost of Xbox LIVE Gold ($5) + NetFlix ($7.99) + Hulu Plus ($7.99) = $20.98 a month makes better sense then the $105 I currently pay monthly to DirecTV. A savings of $84 in these cash strapped times is a smart move, in my honest opinion.
*I wrote an entire paragraph about Hope, but decided to delete it from my final draft of this post*
Earlier this week I went to church for the first time in almost a year. I really don't remember the last time I went but it was most likely after my initial separation from my ex-wife. I didn't go for myself, but instead went to pray for Hope. She currently works at a job she hates and it makes her so unhappy it basically sucks the joy from her life. I prayed to St. Joseph that she finds a better job and lit a candle. For those who were not raised Catholic, myself raised Roman Catholic (there's more than one kind http://bit.ly/i6we9q), these are the type of things we do... honoring saints, lighting candles, praying for others, etc. Any way, getting off topic... I went back to church the next day and prayed again for Hope's happiness. I asked GOD (another Catholic trait, we capitalize the G word) that I wanted her to be happy and if we were meant to be that HE make so. What can I say, I'm head over heels for this woman. I think about her constantly, from the moment that I wake-up til the moment I go to sleep.
No matter what, I will always continue to be Hope's friend, she is the only thing that seems to be constant in my life. So many other people have come and gone it's sad that I no longer fear being alone. Would be lovers, close to distant friends and even family have disappeared from my life. "Out of sight, out of mind" is the likely explanation. My phone hardly ever rings, unless it's a bill collector, and sometimes when I reach out to would be friends, I get ignored. It seems no one ever has time and I have all the time in the world. I'm not sad about it though. "Never have expectations and you'll never be disappointed" is how I take it day by day. It works for now but it's not how I want to be forever.

Love & Other Drugs

I'm love sick. I don't want to be but I am. The reason for this is because I've fallen for someone that doesn't love me back. Not that they don't want to but because that emotion just hasn't hit them yet. Also the revelation that I was compared to a puppy, fun to be around and lovable but a responsibility not wanted, kinda pierced my heart. I don't know what to think anymore. It feels like I'm right where I started five months ago, with my emotions at the whim of another person. But at least this time I know if the unthinkable happens, as much as I pray and wish it doesn't, my heart will heal.
Wednesday was a very sad day. Steve Jobs, the CEO of Apple Inc., passed away from his fight with cancer. I don't currently own any Apple products but Hope practically has every Apple product there is; an iPhone 4, an iPod, an iPad and a MacBook Pro. Imagine her devastation when she heard the news. I'm glad I went to see her at her school, even if it was for a little while. Any time I spend with her makes me feel closer to her. I feel we're in the "bonding process", where the important thing for us is to build a bond that makes us more a couple rather than two separate people. I want to be with her, I really do.
With all the tributes to Steve Jobs' passing, the most prominent for me was the video of his commencement speech at Standford University back in 2005. There were many poignant things he said but what really hit home for me was this: "Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something - your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life." So for now I'll simply trust that the dots will connect in my future, perhaps with a little faith... and a little hope.

Strange, New Frontiers

Yeah, so... it's been a while. I was actually thinking to myself earlier that I needed to do some writing. There's a lot of things on my mind that require expressing. It's been nearly three weeks since my last post and there's been a significant amount of change in my life. It appears that Hope and I have begun a budding relationship. It's exhilarating yet scary all at the same time. Even though I seem to be charming her and "winning points" in her heart, I'm very rusty at being in a relationship. I seem to making small, dumb guy mistakes. I guess it's expected, I am a guy. We had a serious heart to heart talk five days ago and it was something we both needed. Even though we seem to be cautious and methodical about everything, things seem to be developing so fast. From just friends, to "special friends", to seeing each other, to dating... It's just so, intense.
On top of all of that, I am a year older now. I turned 29 over a week ago and even though I don't feel older, it doesn't help that I am closer to 30... currently unmarried... still without children. Hopefully you can relate. Beyond that, I feel pretty content in life right now. I have some one that I care about that has the potential to lead into a rather fruitful future and I really don't have much complaints about anything else. There is something that is bothering me but it's something I have to endure without writing about it. Work seems to be getting to me lately, especially Monday nights which is my Friday before my "weekend". I seem to always get stuck working with this one guy who is completely useless. It drives me nuts and stresses me out because I have my set routine at work and he completely jacks it up. Sleep and Hope are the only things that keep me going. I intended to write more but I seem to be having writer's block. Tomorrow is another day I guess.

This Hectic Life

So I guess Thursday has become my new blog update day. It's been so long since my last update but with everything going on in my life it's hard to sit down and just have a moment to myself. Things have been up and down a lot. Some days are better than others. I swear what ever emotions you're going through the world adapts around you. You're sad and it seems like there's nothing bad sad songs on the radio. You're happy and content, every night is a party. You feel that ache in your heart and there's nothing but romance movies on TV. The world is a strange and funny place.
As the days go by I feel a closer and stronger connection to a particular person... but I feel it's a lot of one sided emotion. There's a significant amount of time spent thinking about this person. The present... The future... Beginning to wonder if the effort I put in it is worth it at this point. I know it is. That what my heart tells me. It's not that she is a cold person, totally not. She's warm, funny, caring, expressive, beautiful... I could go on and on. It's the unrequitedness of the whole situation. I understand it though, she's being cautious. It's not that she doesn't want to be with someone who cares for her, it's just that she doesn't want be hurt again for the same reason. I get it... that's why I'm waiting. The fact that bothers me is this; I'm not going to wait forever. I feel lost.
I guess that's all for now.

A Gift But Also A Curse

So a little more depth to the title of this blog. If you were to find a single word to describe me it would be; Altruistic. Now altruism is defined as; 1: unselfish regard or devotion for the welfare of others, 2: behavior by an animal that is not beneficial or maybe harmful to itself but that benefits others of its kind.
Yeah, that's me alright. Constantly on the lookout for others, never so much myself. A trait that has gotten me burned in life quite a few times. It really is true, some people do confuse kindness for weakness. Having a kind heart though does allow you to be tough. Every time you get hurt, you become a little stronger than you were before. I've been called bitter before, but when it's by someone who has screwed you over it's a bit of of a moot point. I would call myself humbly content right now. There is really nothing in life that I would change right now. I actually find joy in helping others. As the Dalai Lama said; "The practice of altruism is the authentic way of living a human life." Although at times I can be a bit of a misanthrope, I do find value in my fellow man.
So my friend K. Hobbs has written a book that needs editing. I myself have taken a crack at writing but I don't have the gift that he has. Just the other night at work he cranked out a page and a half of new material in a matter of what seemed like minutes. I have only written three pages, but in reality what started out as a memoir became an idea for a book that was never finished. I asked for the chance to be his editor. His book is currently at about 70,000+ words. I love challenges, the chance to be an actual copy editor excites me. He asked what my compensation should be and I told him, just give me what ever you think I deserve. Hobbs ain't no dummy though, he pretty much called me out on why I wanted to edit his book. "You would do it for free if I'd let you." I probably would have done it for free. I always had a gift with words, just not creativity. Even more so, I have an extreme willingness to help out my friends. What I've always done, bend over backwards for people, but now a days I'm a bit more selective who I do that for.
The past few days have been more than interesting. This past Tuesday and Wednesday especially. Just thinking about it brings a smile to my face. Karaoke has easily become my favorite past time. The friends I have made are absolutely amazing. The moments I spend with a certain someone however, are just magic. I wish things were a little different, the timing of things are somewhat far from perfect but I can wait. "Good things come to those that wait", I can only pray. As my friend best friend Barnes said to me last night, "Nice guys finish last, but they do make it to the finish line."

Friends in Low Places

What I love about blogs: You can write them in bed. That's where I am as I'm typing this one. Working out twice a day for the past four days have finally taken their toll. This Sunday was a well needed day of rest.
Trying to keep my thoughts together without revealing too much about my past week. Ambiguity has always been the form in how I choose to communicate. Precise enough not to be considered vague but just enough information that the general idea is understood while still leaving much up for interpretation. I feel like I've been holding my tongue and the flood gates are about to sweep across this page. I won't let them however. Only a few short bursts of raw thought will I reveal in the most controlled manner. Did I just channel Yoda on that last sentence? I swear that's how it came out... I'm leaving it that way.
So last Tuesday A.J. "attempted" to make an apology for what happened the week prior. "Attempted" in my opinion because, well...it sucked. For both being in a profession where you constantly have individuals lying to your face, you would think that he would have a little more chutzpah in trying to be sincere. Or, perhaps, maybe I'm just that better at reading people I don't trust. He didn't address the issue of why or how he screwed up, just only that I was upset with him and attempting to return to my good graces. Again ambiguity was my choice of communication. Not saying much but getting my point across, I was more curious in what he had to say, which wasn't much. Needless to say he failed at an apology and I removed myself from the situation. Hope, Kelli and Barnes are my new pack. They're the ones I'll run with, any time or any place.
A couple days after the failed apology, my head had cooled and I visited AJ at home after a trip to the bookstore. Our shared taste in literature and cinema made me value our friendship since it was something that lacked in my relationship with others. As if reading my mind, Kelli called me inviting me out to a gay bar for karaoke. I was thrilled to go out, since I was already thinking it and made the friendly gesture to AJ to come with, knowing damn well he wouldn't go. But that is the friendly thing to do right? Invite someone to do something knowing that they'll say "no", it's the principal of the thing, isn't it? However not wanting to lose his streak AJ went for the hat trick with strike #2 and #3. "Strike 2"; I asked to borrow a shirt, since all I was wearing was a plain white tee and cargo shorts. Insert grossly, ignorant homophobic comment here... As if your shirt would be returned to you contaminated with gay cooties or something, how sophomoric. Kelli and Barnes arrive at AJ's house to pick me up. Again, making the friendly gesture and invited AJ to meet my friends; AJ: "Who's in the car?" Me: "My friend Barnes and Kelli... she's cute by the way." (trying to play on his one track mind) AJ: "Is that dude straight or gay?" Me: "He's gay, why?" Strike #3; Insert grossly, ignorant homophobic comment here...
There are many things you can do to me; you can lie, steal from me, deceive, betray or ultimately hurt me. I will feel the pain, how it will affect me will vary but in the end it will only make me stronger. However... you. do not. ever. insult my friends. For that alone, I would have loved to lay AJ out on his on front porch. However walking away seemed the more logical choice. A right cross straight to the angle of his lower jaw would have felt good though. I left with my new pack and enjoyed a good evening being out with friends. Not much after the weekend ended, work...work... work... Got to pay the bills, right.

I Disappear

So today was another interesting one for me. It's seems no matter what I do to try and distance myself from drama in my life something has to pop it's way in. The Yin can not exist without the Yang I guess. Well the day started out excellent. Had an entertaining phone conversation with someone while I was at work. Yay! I had a lot work to do so the conversation had to end unfortunately. Four hours later the work day was over and my weekend began. Got home and the roommate informed me he was having someone come over to clean the house tomorrow. (0_0)! Um, shocked... (see previous blog entry) Shortly after he left I did a mini workout and passed out on the couch. Woke up around noon-ish, let the dog out and passed out in my bed.
Finally got up at around 5:00, 5:30 or 6:00... whatever. Immediately jumped on Twitter, checked my timeline and had a few chuckles. Checked my FaceBook...why did I get that horrible thing... and found out that two Officers I have worked with were assaulted. The emotional roller coaster came over me and I found myself doing another workout. In the past couple of weeks I've dedicated myself to eating right, working out and quitting smoking. I haven't had a cigarette in weeks and not even a drink for seven days. I've lost 15 pounds, whittled my waist to 32 inches and increased my energy ten fold. It's like a fire been lit beneath me but I really don't know what the motivation behind it is. Actually, that's a lie. I know what the motivation is. I was having a conversation with some one last Thursday and they told me "If you want something bad enough, you have to fight for it." Kinda serves me two fold... If I stay, I could possibly be happy and have something worth fighting for. If I choose to leave, I'll be in the best shape of my life and doing something that I feel is a personal calling. It comes down to which philosophy to follow, Chalmers or Hemingway? Time will only tell...
"The Grand essentials of happiness are: something to do, something to love, and something to hope for.”
-Allan K. Chalmers
"Certainly there is no hunting like the hunting of man, and those who have hunted armed men long enough...and liked it, never care for anything else thereafter."
-Ernest Hemingway

Semi-charmed kind of Life

So, I took a day off from blogging yesterday... I usually don't do much on Sundays, save for some exercise and a little cleanup of the house. I like to entertain the idea that I actually rest on the Sabbath but I haven't been to church in almost a year. Any way, starting to regret having a room mate as of lately. I came home from work this morning, saw his truck out front and immediately thought "Oh, great... this f^cker is home." My room mate moved in back in mid-April and at first was kinda cool. Now I find myself cleaning up after him and turning off lights and fans that he leaves on. I feel like I live with a 32yo kid that pays rent. Any how, he does pay 40% of the rent and due to my current financial standing really can't go back to handling 100% of the rent by myself. Well not really "can't", more like "don't want to".
By now you might be asking, "Okay, no where in your blog do you explain, how you're a Tragic Nice Guy, what are you blabbing about?" Well, something like that can't be done in a single post and I don't want to lose material too early. I chose the title Tragic Nice Guy because I have no other way to describe myself. I go out of my way for others, not expecting much in return and only accepting the fact I made someone else's day a little better as my reward. Yeah I expect few *cough*bull-sh!t* out there but, it's the truth. I've always been very altruistic, I was a Boy Scout for goodness' sake. Guys like that tend to only exist in movies, the guy who gets stepped on, bullied, completely outcast from the mainstream. The typecast "Duckie" from Pretty in Pink, or perhaps more modern Kirk from She's Out of My League, you know... sweet, a bit dorky and not a mean bone in his body. Yeah, me... to a T. The "T" should stand for "tragic". However in the movies the nice guy gets back at the bullies and ultimately gets the girl. Well, my life is not a movie. I live alone, save for my roommate, have few friends and currently not in a romantic relationship. Strangely enough, I'm happy. I kinda like that if I need to just pick up and leave... I can.
Recently been playing with the thought of taking a private security contract in either Iraq or Afghanistan. The money would be phenomenal, $80k-$100k, it would definitely help me get back on my feet and I would be doing something that pretty much come to me second nature. My job assignment in Iraq back in '04-'05 was that of armored-truck gunner as well as squad designated marksman. I took some licks but came back in one piece, however the idea of going back privately has been a fleeting idea for about 3 1/2 years now. I would love to go but recently someone said to me; "Money can't bring you the happiness that another person can." And I'm back to square one. One of my personal colloquialisms is; What the mind wants and the heart yearns for, are two completely different things. This couldn't be more descriptive of my situation because between what my mind wants and my heart begs for is a faint beam of hope. *smile

Cat's Out of the Bag

So turns out there are no secrets among those I associate with. My activities from the past seven days have made their way around the block and then some. I would talk more about it, but... I would rather not. That subject has been addressed from my soapbox quite enough. Well someone informed me they read my blog, yay for feedback, however they didn't get the point of my blog. LoL. Well, I guess every writer needs a critic. *wink* I started this blog because of the incredibly long week I've been having. My past keeps coming back to haunt me and I figured by writing it out I could analyze where I went wrong. Also, why not start a blog? What a perfect way to vent my discontentment with everyday life. Now don't get me wrong, I'm actually happier than a pig in mud right now with life. However, how many people maintain a blog rather than just sit on a couch and watch TV all day?
On top of that I really enjoy writing, I was actually writing a book a few months ago. I haven't touched it since late June... actually June 27th was my last revision, ironic. I guess I lost the motivation I had to write it. A lot of the material was coming from a dark place. Funny how anger and depression can motivate you to do one thing only to have joy and happiness cause you to do something else. Perhaps I might start writing that book some more.

Origins & Explanations

So... for those that don't know me, here is a little back story: I am a 28yo divorced, straight man living in Arizona. I am originally form Long Island, NY and moved out to AZ while I was still married. For the time being my close friends consist of women and gay men. I've discovered my straight, single friends tend to only think about one thing and it's become boring to to me. How much can one person revolve their life around sex. On top of that I think the jealousy has finally come aground, apparently so if my happiness has become too much for others to bear. Any way, I also served in the Army for six years after I graduated High School. I worked down at Ground Zero after the World Trade Center fell, did security at U.S.M.A. West Point and conducted combat missions in Iraq. I broke my foot a few weeks before leaving Iraq and was discharged six months after I came home. 
I tried to go to college but with constant deployments and call-ups, it became difficult to attend school. I would really like to finish school and get my degree but perhaps some day. Until then I work for Maricopa County and hopefully I don't do it for the rest of my life. So I spend most of my time at home, in bars or at work. Exciting life, huh? Well I guess Drew Carey said it best: "Hate your job, huh? Well there's a support group for that, it's called EVERYONE and they meet at the bar."

The Show Goes On

So it's been an interesting week. Budding new friendships, haunting pasts revisited and ultimate betrayal. Also today is day two of no alcohol, when I go out though. I do drink when I'm home because I've convinced myself that drinking at home is harmless due to the fact I can't embarrass myself. I'm pretty sure the dog can care less what I do at home. So I went out with my new friends "Barnes", his friend Frank and "Kelly" to the casino for karaoke. I did very well with my songs and on stage to boot. The big screen was not working so to sing, meant getting up on stage. A good thing since I suffer from "stage fright". There are a couple of fears I want to conquer this year before it's over and it was good to get over that. It was still uneasy for me to have a good time since I was still reeling from the fact my ex"best friend" stabbed me in the heart to purposely sabotage my evening.
I did have a good time but I let my emotions get the best of me. I have tried to live by; "Have no expectations and you will have no disappointments." However the betrayal of AJ two nights earlier has left me vulnerable. Either way time has brought nothing new to perturb me at this point so I guess I'm grateful for that. I'm also grateful for new friends that value having a good time over selfish drama. In the the new out with the old, I guess.

The Final Betrayal

So now fast forward to today. I've met this incredible person who we'll call "Hope" and I met her back in late June. Hope had ended a relationship very badly about two days prior when I formally introduced myself so I didn't bother to ask for her number. I figured if there was a semblance of a future, I'd run into her again. We ran into each other again and we became friends. Since my divorce, I developed a bit of a problem with alcohol. Not alcoholism per se but when I drink I tend to drink too much and it tends to get me into trouble. That being said I got really drunk about three weeks ago to the point I needed a lift home. In the process I confessed to her friends that I really liked Hope and had a crush on her. Innocent enough... well Hope found out and the following week I told her how I felt face to face. She accepted it and explained that she wasn't looking for another relationship. Fair enough, I wasn't looking myself and told her I would value simply being her friend. We hung out together on several occasions and things were good. Enter "Vader"... 
For two months I never mentioned anything about Hope to anyone, especially not AJ. This past Saturday (8/20) I skipped work and hung out with Hope all night. I was with AJ at the time I called her so naturally he learned about her existence. AJ and I went to see a mutual friend leaving for Afghanistan and then parted ways for the evening. AJ went home and I went to hang out with Hope. Come this past Tuesday, my mother upset me with her piss poor communication skills so I went AJ's house to blow off steam. In the process, AJ informed me that he had went to visit GF #4 at her place and she dropped some heavy news on him. Apparently she had been raped in her apartment after a night of heavy drinking and had tried to get into contact with me. Shocked was not the word... fast forward to later that evening. I went to karaoke, like every Tuesday night, and proceeded to have a good time. My friends were there and Hope was there. It came time for AJ to sing and he was out having a smoke. Rather than let my friend get skipped I went to go get him. To my dismay he was talking to GF #4. She had come to the karaoke bar with her roommate, some guy. We talked, I was uncomfortable and tried to be amicable. The conversation ended and I began to drink heavily. I did things I regret... I was very bad to Hope, behaved very poorly, like a creep. I apologized the next day but the damage was done.
Well, lo and behold I happened to spend the night at AJ's last night... Feeling curious, I looked in his phone and checked his call history. I had left to shower at my place and no sooner I left, AJ called GF #4. It explains everything, he invited her to the karaoke bar. I haven't seen her in three months, why else would she show? Why would he do that? As if almost to sabotage my evening. This is why I didn't want him to meet Hope. This is way I call him "rolling bad luck". Stabbed in the back, betrayed for the last time. How ironic when I "Unfriended" him the message that appeared to confirm my action: You are no longer friends with ____________. How true indeed.

Betrayed by Vader for the last time

Yeah the title above might be a bit much for those not in the know. However it comes from the Star Wars: Force Unleashed project... in summary Darth Vader had a secret apprentice, Galen Marek alias "Starkiller", before the Rebellion started and.... blah, blah, just Google it. So I'm a bit of a fan boy and a nerd if you haven't noticed. Anyway I have a friend who we'll call "A.J.", who is also a nerd like me. AJ always seemed to have his way with women, more so then me. You could classify him as a man-whore. We always joked that he was Vader and I was Starkiller, teaching me the ways of the Dark Side or how to get more women. I've only had four girlfriends, one I eventually married and divorced. I've only been with two women sexually, my wife was frigid and we never had sex. So newly single I now had a wingman to explore my new found freedom. Well in my experience, AJ was what I like to call "rolling bad luck". Every girl I was ever interested in, immediately after being introduced to him, flaked out on me. I can't place what it is but this has always happened.
It brings me to this blog... back in April '11, I met a young woman (GF #4) at a pub who was stunningly beautiful and very attracted to me. It was a short but tempestuous "relationship" (I used the word loosely since she never referred to me as her boyfriend) that ended very badly after about five weeks. I poured my all to be with this woman and she broke my heart. She cheated on me and I was devastated even more so since she never bothered to tell me it was over. Just discarded like an old toy and informed by a mutual friend that she was with some one new. It took me two months to get over her. I did get over her eventually and life was good. I was single and not really looking for anyone. However AJ and GF #4 remained friends, even communicating with each other from time to time. This bothered me but I let myself trust my friend.
To be continued...