I found some time to myself to post to my blog at work. Not like it's a big thing to have some time to write but the opportunity is rare. Reduced manpower at the workplace has left the chance to use a computer as pretty much slim to none. Writing my thoughts while still fresh in my head gives me the chance to express myself with raw emotion. Nothing worse in my opinion then having to write about one's emotions by recall.
I feel stupid... I feel this way because I've let my heart dictate what my actions should be without reasonable thought. I told myself that I've fallen in love with someone but since the relationship hasn't reached a level beyond friendly companionship I've begun to have second thoughts about the whole idea. Maybe I'm wrong about this one... Maybe I'm right but it's just going to take more time... Maybe I don't know anything...
Some one I follow on Twitter tweeted earlier "When we lack love for ourselves, our behaviors fall into one of two categories: getting or protecting." I've always seen myself as a protector, a person who goes out of their way for others. I used to think it was due to having an altruistic personality but now currently thinking otherwise. My conclusion: I'm stupid... and too nice.
I swear I'm lacking some a**hole gene or something that makes it close to impossible for me not to be nice. Constantly worrying about others think about me is something that drives me up a wall. "I'm too nice." This thought echoes in my head. "I'm too nice." This personality trait has wreaked chaos on my relationships with people. I tried being a more crass individual, surprisingly it worked. People are more attracted to people who act like jerks. The downside of it is: I didn't like myself.
To be continued...
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