I woke up this morning with a feeling of utmost hurt. My heart hurts and there is a legitimate pain in my chest to remind me that it hurts. The past two weeks have been filled with uncertainty only to be concluded with future ambiguity. My pain however is my own doing. I carelessly fell in love with another person with out evaluating the entire situation. But that's what happens when you become enamored with someone... you fall. It was a nice feeling though, to care about someone that genuinely appreciated the company you provide. But the timing was all wrong. She didn't have time to properly heal from her last relationship and my pursuit of her probably has extended that healing period. That hurt has caught up to her and she decided that romantic feelings need to be put aside. My feelings for her however are undying. I don't want to lose that, but it hurts to hold on to something such as unrequited love.
In the meantime I have tried to right the wrongs that have been prolonged since late September. Kelli, a long standing friend of Hope, has been incommunicado since her mother no longer wanted anything to do with myself or Hope. This stems from a day long birthday celebration that lasted into the next morning and Kelli's mother is extremely overprotective. The veracity was skewed and the blame was placed on us. Her mother also has been by Kelli's side since and they are always seen in tandem. Well a week ago I decided to save their friendship by apologizing to Kelli's mother so our circle of friends could be rejoined. It worked, or so I believed. A few days ago I socialized with my friend Barnes and Kelli, of course with her mother in tow. It seemed like the good old days, only with Hope not present. As we all prepared to travel to another venue, Kelli's mother made comments to me about Hope. I defended her but was rebuffed by more disparaging comments. Unfortunately no one else was around to hear the conversation so my only proof is my word. I felt uncomfortable about the whole event and left early without saying goodbye.
Yesterday I volunteered at a Food Bank, handing out food to needy families. It was a good feeling to help others. I did this for roughly five hours, helping at least over a hundred families and moving over 5,000 pounds of food. It was a rush and I definitely found a new cause in my life by being a volunteer. Afterwards I went home and later on got to see Hope for the first time in a couple weeks. I brought by some Christmas gifts and during our conversation I told her about the events from the other night. Upon that news, she contacted Kelli and an argument ensued. It effectively ended their friendship. This was the complete opposite of my intentions. Afterwards I had a deep talk with Hope. She affirmed to me that she only wanted to remain friends and that the idea of being romantically attached to anyone at this time was out of the question. My resolve remained the same, I would always be her friend. So now I feel out of place, completely out of of the loop but not lost. I know what I want and where I want to go but unsure when that will happen. That's just the uncertainty of life I guess. New Year's is only 8 days and I can't wait for this year to end. New beginnings with resolutions to achieve and perhaps voids in this life that will be filled in the year to come.
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