So I guess Thursday has become my new blog update day. It's been so long since my last update but with everything going on in my life it's hard to sit down and just have a moment to myself. Things have been up and down a lot. Some days are better than others. I swear what ever emotions you're going through the world adapts around you. You're sad and it seems like there's nothing bad sad songs on the radio. You're happy and content, every night is a party. You feel that ache in your heart and there's nothing but romance movies on TV. The world is a strange and funny place.
As the days go by I feel a closer and stronger connection to a particular person... but I feel it's a lot of one sided emotion. There's a significant amount of time spent thinking about this person. The present... The future... Beginning to wonder if the effort I put in it is worth it at this point. I know it is. That what my heart tells me. It's not that she is a cold person, totally not. She's warm, funny, caring, expressive, beautiful... I could go on and on. It's the unrequitedness of the whole situation. I understand it though, she's being cautious. It's not that she doesn't want to be with someone who cares for her, it's just that she doesn't want be hurt again for the same reason. I get it... that's why I'm waiting. The fact that bothers me is this; I'm not going to wait forever. I feel lost.
I guess that's all for now.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Thursday, September 8, 2011
A Gift But Also A Curse
So a little more depth to the title of this blog. If you were to find a single word to describe me it would be; Altruistic. Now altruism is defined as; 1: unselfish regard or devotion for the welfare of others, 2: behavior by an animal that is not beneficial or maybe harmful to itself but that benefits others of its kind.
Yeah, that's me alright. Constantly on the lookout for others, never so much myself. A trait that has gotten me burned in life quite a few times. It really is true, some people do confuse kindness for weakness. Having a kind heart though does allow you to be tough. Every time you get hurt, you become a little stronger than you were before. I've been called bitter before, but when it's by someone who has screwed you over it's a bit of of a moot point. I would call myself humbly content right now. There is really nothing in life that I would change right now. I actually find joy in helping others. As the Dalai Lama said; "The practice of altruism is the authentic way of living a human life." Although at times I can be a bit of a misanthrope, I do find value in my fellow man.
So my friend K. Hobbs has written a book that needs editing. I myself have taken a crack at writing but I don't have the gift that he has. Just the other night at work he cranked out a page and a half of new material in a matter of what seemed like minutes. I have only written three pages, but in reality what started out as a memoir became an idea for a book that was never finished. I asked for the chance to be his editor. His book is currently at about 70,000+ words. I love challenges, the chance to be an actual copy editor excites me. He asked what my compensation should be and I told him, just give me what ever you think I deserve. Hobbs ain't no dummy though, he pretty much called me out on why I wanted to edit his book. "You would do it for free if I'd let you." I probably would have done it for free. I always had a gift with words, just not creativity. Even more so, I have an extreme willingness to help out my friends. What I've always done, bend over backwards for people, but now a days I'm a bit more selective who I do that for.
The past few days have been more than interesting. This past Tuesday and Wednesday especially. Just thinking about it brings a smile to my face. Karaoke has easily become my favorite past time. The friends I have made are absolutely amazing. The moments I spend with a certain someone however, are just magic. I wish things were a little different, the timing of things are somewhat far from perfect but I can wait. "Good things come to those that wait", I can only pray. As myfriend best friend Barnes said to me last night, "Nice guys finish last, but they do make it to the finish line."
Yeah, that's me alright. Constantly on the lookout for others, never so much myself. A trait that has gotten me burned in life quite a few times. It really is true, some people do confuse kindness for weakness. Having a kind heart though does allow you to be tough. Every time you get hurt, you become a little stronger than you were before. I've been called bitter before, but when it's by someone who has screwed you over it's a bit of of a moot point. I would call myself humbly content right now. There is really nothing in life that I would change right now. I actually find joy in helping others. As the Dalai Lama said; "The practice of altruism is the authentic way of living a human life." Although at times I can be a bit of a misanthrope, I do find value in my fellow man.
So my friend K. Hobbs has written a book that needs editing. I myself have taken a crack at writing but I don't have the gift that he has. Just the other night at work he cranked out a page and a half of new material in a matter of what seemed like minutes. I have only written three pages, but in reality what started out as a memoir became an idea for a book that was never finished. I asked for the chance to be his editor. His book is currently at about 70,000+ words. I love challenges, the chance to be an actual copy editor excites me. He asked what my compensation should be and I told him, just give me what ever you think I deserve. Hobbs ain't no dummy though, he pretty much called me out on why I wanted to edit his book. "You would do it for free if I'd let you." I probably would have done it for free. I always had a gift with words, just not creativity. Even more so, I have an extreme willingness to help out my friends. What I've always done, bend over backwards for people, but now a days I'm a bit more selective who I do that for.
The past few days have been more than interesting. This past Tuesday and Wednesday especially. Just thinking about it brings a smile to my face. Karaoke has easily become my favorite past time. The friends I have made are absolutely amazing. The moments I spend with a certain someone however, are just magic. I wish things were a little different, the timing of things are somewhat far from perfect but I can wait. "Good things come to those that wait", I can only pray. As my
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Friends in Low Places
What I love about blogs: You can write them in bed. That's where I am as I'm typing this one. Working out twice a day for the past four days have finally taken their toll. This Sunday was a well needed day of rest.
Trying to keep my thoughts together without revealing too much about my past week. Ambiguity has always been the form in how I choose to communicate. Precise enough not to be considered vague but just enough information that the general idea is understood while still leaving much up for interpretation. I feel like I've been holding my tongue and the flood gates are about to sweep across this page. I won't let them however. Only a few short bursts of raw thought will I reveal in the most controlled manner. Did I just channel Yoda on that last sentence? I swear that's how it came out... I'm leaving it that way.
So last Tuesday A.J. "attempted" to make an apology for what happened the week prior. "Attempted" in my opinion because, well...it sucked. For both being in a profession where you constantly have individuals lying to your face, you would think that he would have a little more chutzpah in trying to be sincere. Or, perhaps, maybe I'm just that better at reading people I don't trust. He didn't address the issue of why or how he screwed up, just only that I was upset with him and attempting to return to my good graces. Again ambiguity was my choice of communication. Not saying much but getting my point across, I was more curious in what he had to say, which wasn't much. Needless to say he failed at an apology and I removed myself from the situation. Hope, Kelli and Barnes are my new pack. They're the ones I'll run with, any time or any place.
A couple days after the failed apology, my head had cooled and I visited AJ at home after a trip to the bookstore. Our shared taste in literature and cinema made me value our friendship since it was something that lacked in my relationship with others. As if reading my mind, Kelli called me inviting me out to a gay bar for karaoke. I was thrilled to go out, since I was already thinking it and made the friendly gesture to AJ to come with, knowing damn well he wouldn't go. But that is the friendly thing to do right? Invite someone to do something knowing that they'll say "no", it's the principal of the thing, isn't it? However not wanting to lose his streak AJ went for the hat trick with strike #2 and #3. "Strike 2"; I asked to borrow a shirt, since all I was wearing was a plain white tee and cargo shorts. Insert grossly, ignorant homophobic comment here... As if your shirt would be returned to you contaminated with gay cooties or something, how sophomoric. Kelli and Barnes arrive at AJ's house to pick me up. Again, making the friendly gesture and invited AJ to meet my friends; AJ: "Who's in the car?" Me: "My friend Barnes and Kelli... she's cute by the way." (trying to play on his one track mind) AJ: "Is that dude straight or gay?" Me: "He's gay, why?" Strike #3; Insert grossly, ignorant homophobic comment here...
There are many things you can do to me; you can lie, steal from me, deceive, betray or ultimately hurt me. I will feel the pain, how it will affect me will vary but in the end it will only make me stronger. However... you. do not. ever. insult my friends. For that alone, I would have loved to lay AJ out on his on front porch. However walking away seemed the more logical choice. A right cross straight to the angle of his lower jaw would have felt good though. I left with my new pack and enjoyed a good evening being out with friends. Not much after the weekend ended, work...work... work... Got to pay the bills, right.
Trying to keep my thoughts together without revealing too much about my past week. Ambiguity has always been the form in how I choose to communicate. Precise enough not to be considered vague but just enough information that the general idea is understood while still leaving much up for interpretation. I feel like I've been holding my tongue and the flood gates are about to sweep across this page. I won't let them however. Only a few short bursts of raw thought will I reveal in the most controlled manner. Did I just channel Yoda on that last sentence? I swear that's how it came out... I'm leaving it that way.
So last Tuesday A.J. "attempted" to make an apology for what happened the week prior. "Attempted" in my opinion because, well...it sucked. For both being in a profession where you constantly have individuals lying to your face, you would think that he would have a little more chutzpah in trying to be sincere. Or, perhaps, maybe I'm just that better at reading people I don't trust. He didn't address the issue of why or how he screwed up, just only that I was upset with him and attempting to return to my good graces. Again ambiguity was my choice of communication. Not saying much but getting my point across, I was more curious in what he had to say, which wasn't much. Needless to say he failed at an apology and I removed myself from the situation. Hope, Kelli and Barnes are my new pack. They're the ones I'll run with, any time or any place.
A couple days after the failed apology, my head had cooled and I visited AJ at home after a trip to the bookstore. Our shared taste in literature and cinema made me value our friendship since it was something that lacked in my relationship with others. As if reading my mind, Kelli called me inviting me out to a gay bar for karaoke. I was thrilled to go out, since I was already thinking it and made the friendly gesture to AJ to come with, knowing damn well he wouldn't go. But that is the friendly thing to do right? Invite someone to do something knowing that they'll say "no", it's the principal of the thing, isn't it? However not wanting to lose his streak AJ went for the hat trick with strike #2 and #3. "Strike 2"; I asked to borrow a shirt, since all I was wearing was a plain white tee and cargo shorts. Insert grossly, ignorant homophobic comment here... As if your shirt would be returned to you contaminated with gay cooties or something, how sophomoric. Kelli and Barnes arrive at AJ's house to pick me up. Again, making the friendly gesture and invited AJ to meet my friends; AJ: "Who's in the car?" Me: "My friend Barnes and Kelli... she's cute by the way." (trying to play on his one track mind) AJ: "Is that dude straight or gay?" Me: "He's gay, why?" Strike #3; Insert grossly, ignorant homophobic comment here...
There are many things you can do to me; you can lie, steal from me, deceive, betray or ultimately hurt me. I will feel the pain, how it will affect me will vary but in the end it will only make me stronger. However... you. do not. ever. insult my friends. For that alone, I would have loved to lay AJ out on his on front porch. However walking away seemed the more logical choice. A right cross straight to the angle of his lower jaw would have felt good though. I left with my new pack and enjoyed a good evening being out with friends. Not much after the weekend ended, work...work... work... Got to pay the bills, right.