Changes

   The hardest thing a human being can do is change himself. Most people never change. Some people change for a little while, then quickly change back. Change is an unwanted and frightening thing to people. I know it is for me. Moving from town to town, with no family or close friends. This past month I have moved for the fifth time in the six years I have lived in Arizona. It's a testament to how truly lost I am. Of course the first and second time I moved was with my ex-wife. The first time was relocating from New York, the second time was when we bought a new house. I lost that house and everything in it. My marriage, my dogs, my savings, furniture... everything. 

   Now I'm alone again. Starting over in a single bedroom apartment in a new town, it's scary. It's scary mostly because the love of my life is possibly gone forever and I'm not sure how to cope with it. It's depressing but also infuriating. I'm angry at myself for messing up a good thing. I didn't fight hard enough for her. I didn't tell her that there is no one else that I could ever ever be with, and that I would rather be alone than without her. I didn't do a good job of that. My heart says stay and fight but I'm afraid the damage has been done. I'm afraid the damage is too great to recover from. All I can do is wait and see. All there is to do now is work on myself; become a person I would want to be around, that others would want to be around. 

"If you want to end your isolation, you must be honest about what you want at a core level and decide to go after it." - Martha Beck