This Jar of Hearts

     So today is Christmas Day and I'm not feeling very festive as I begin to write this. My family is spending Christmas till New Year's in Florida, except for my Dad who is in New York. Today is also my father's birthday and he didn't go to Florida because he doesn't travel. My room mate got me a couple presents for Christmas and I didn't get him anything. I feel really bad about it... actually I feel like sh*t. I'll make it up to him I guess. The issue on my mind however is far from the festivus of the holidays, it's the premise of attraction.
     This morning I learned something that greatly disturbed me. I pretty much figured it out once a vital clue was dropped and that catalyst made all the pieces fall into place. I have a close friend at work, Danae, who is very much a confidant for me and she confides in me as well. She's been telling me about these two guys she's been seeing; 1: "Clingy", a very attached young guy who she is primarily sexually attracted to and not much else. It's no strings attached or friend with benefits type arrangement. However the guy has feelings for her and she has none for him. 2:"Situation", an unmarried guy who lives with his on-again, off-again girlfriend and mother of his kids. She has grown attached to him and cares for him but his uncaring attitude plus his verbal abuse makes him unsuitable to be in an actual relationship. Also mostly a friends with benefits arrangement. Plus his "situation" with his (ex)girlfriend is rather unsavory, hence his nickname. Danae is also a single mom, which makes her daughter another factor.
     Now that we're all caught up to speed... Danae tried to cut herself off from "Clingy" and "Situation" but they both still pester her. "Situation" especially because she does have feelings for him but all he wants from her is sex and she knows this. He holds her emotions hostage by saying he cares and being charming but reverts back to being a jerk when he doesn't get his way. Now the thing that shocked me in my self discovery of "Situation's" identity was when Danae told me she saw him at work during shift change. "Wait, he's here?" I thought to myself and I immediately pieced together who it was. The cocky attitude, the baby mama drama, the macho-sexual self confidence that makes you want to puke... "Situation" is the BIGGEST DOUCHE BAG at the office. I always referred to him as "Drama", which is also a tattoo he has on his neck, classy right?
     So here's my thoughts: Why is it that women are so attracted to these bad boy types? Men who are so totally wrong for them or just completely emotionally devoid to women that nice guys don't stand a chance because they are so emotionally damaged after being with these jerks. The world is full of broken women that wouldn't know true love if it bit them in the rear. It's not their fault though, the world glorifies the sexual prowess of a man. Look at "Jersey Shore" or any movie in the past 20 years that puts the "player" on a pedestal. A woman who commits the same crime is seen as a "slut" or "loose", even though she's simply acting how a typical man is believed to act. It comes down to fantasy and instant gratification. Movies are fantasy while television is instant gratification. Television shows you the Jersey Shore and every one wants to emulate a bunch of morons. Movies like "The Notebook", "Titanic" or "Pretty Woman" show you fantasy. The fantasy of what attraction is supposed to be, but as they say, that only happens in the movies.
      I think I finally found a purpose for this blog, to explore the laws of attractions and why things happen between nice guys, good girls and bad boys.... Let the adventure begin.

No Good Deed Goes Unpunished

     I woke up this morning with a feeling of utmost hurt. My heart hurts and there is a legitimate pain in my chest to remind me that it hurts. The past two weeks have been filled with uncertainty only to be concluded with future ambiguity. My pain however is my own doing. I carelessly fell in love with another person with out evaluating the entire situation. But that's what happens when you become enamored with someone... you fall. It was a nice feeling though, to care about someone that genuinely appreciated the company you provide. But the timing was all wrong. She didn't have time to properly heal from her last relationship and my pursuit of her probably has extended that healing period. That hurt has caught up to her and she decided that romantic feelings need to be put aside. My feelings for her however are undying. I don't want to lose that, but it hurts to hold on to something such as unrequited love.
     In the meantime I have tried to right the wrongs that have been prolonged since late September. Kelli, a long standing friend of Hope, has been incommunicado since her mother no longer wanted anything to do with myself or Hope. This stems from a day long birthday celebration that lasted into the next morning and Kelli's mother is extremely overprotective. The veracity was skewed and the blame was placed on us. Her mother also has been by Kelli's side since and they are always seen in tandem. Well a week ago I decided to save their friendship by apologizing to Kelli's mother so our circle of friends could be rejoined. It worked, or so I believed. A few days ago I socialized with my friend Barnes and Kelli, of course with her mother in tow. It seemed like the good old days, only with Hope not present. As we all prepared to travel to another venue, Kelli's mother made comments to me about Hope. I defended her but was rebuffed by more disparaging comments. Unfortunately no one else was around to hear the conversation so my only proof is my word. I felt uncomfortable about the whole event and left early without saying goodbye.
     Yesterday I volunteered at a Food Bank, handing out food to needy families. It was a good feeling to help others. I did this for roughly five hours, helping at least over a hundred families and moving over 5,000 pounds of food. It was a rush and I definitely found a new cause in my life by being a volunteer. Afterwards I went home and later on got to see Hope for the first time in a couple weeks. I brought by some Christmas gifts and during our conversation I told her about the events from the other night. Upon that news, she contacted Kelli and an argument ensued. It effectively ended their friendship. This was the complete opposite of my intentions. Afterwards I had a deep talk with Hope. She affirmed to me that she only wanted to remain friends and that the idea of being romantically attached to anyone at this time was out of the question. My resolve remained the same, I would always be her friend. So now I feel out of place, completely out of of the loop but not lost. I know what I want and where I want to go but unsure when that will happen. That's just the uncertainty of life I guess. New Year's is only 8 days and I can't wait for this year to end. New beginnings with resolutions to achieve and perhaps voids in this life that will be filled in the year to come.

Nothing to Celebrate

I always feel compelled to return to this blog. I'm not the type to start things without finishing them. Nothing much to report these days. Bills seem to be under control, not like the summer where money was flying out the window. Spending has been greatly curtailed and luxuries like satellite TV are gone. I've been trying to ween myself off fast food, especially since I spent nearly $90 on it last month. That $90 could have easily went to groceries and fed me for much longer. However a lot of my debts are coming down on me this month. My car payment has been increased due to a lapse in insurance from last summer. I need to take a traffic school class that I've been dodging before the 12th of this month or pay in full for a ticket I got in July. My Verizon bill is going to include my cancellation fee for $230, since I went to Sprint. So many things involving money... money I really don't have.
Also Christmas is right around the corner. Christmas is my least favorite time of year. Between the total lack of celebratory glee I used to get as a child and the circumstances of my divorce... Christmas doesn't have much meaning for me. I feel dead inside when Christmas comes around, like it's just another day. I'm not a Scrooge or Grinch about it, just not excited about it. I feel bad when I can't buy presents for people I care about. However I know Christmas is not about presents. It's just what ever feelings I used to have about Christmas is gone and I don't know if I'll ever get them back.

I Came To Win

....Continued from "Trials & Tribulations"
On a lighter note, I find a positive outcome to my moments of doubt. It allows me to reflect on my past and gauge what outcomes I seek for the future. My resolve strengthens and I resume on a track of moving forward. I know exactly what I want. It's right in front of me... However what I desire is wild and untameable, like the sea... and perhaps just as cold. No matter, "what the heart wants, the heart wants" and very much so willing to fight for it.
Someone once asked me "Are you a lover or a fighter?" I replied "I'm both." This particular person told me, "You can't be both... you're either one or the other." So I said "Well then.. I'm a fighter." I've fought my whole life. I was bullied in grade school. Was never popular among my classmates. I was picked on cause I was smaller than everyone else. But, I had a good heart. Perhaps too much heart for my own good. All the disappointments endured in this life have made me tougher. I'm a fighter because you can fight for love. You can fight for others even if they don't know you or even care about you. You fight because it's the right thing to do. A fighter never quits, even if they appear to be outmatched or even over powered. It doesn't matter because if you fight with everything you got, the only way you lose is by self defeat.
Dr. Martin Luther King Jr is credited with saying, "A man who won't die for something is not fit to live." Funny the way I came across this quote but entirely not important. It made me self examine my character. What am I willing to die for? A question not easily answered but made me reflect on a creed I once memorized. A portion of it goes like this: "In the race for victory, I am swift, determined, and courageous, armed with a fierce will to win." Words... simple yet inspiring. All it takes are a few words and you can inspire others perhaps even yourself. This self-inspiration is what makes the goal obtainable. I don't know why these things happened but I'm glad they did. Everyday I'm stronger than the day before. I know what I want and I'm willing to fight for it. I don't fight for the hell of it either... I fight to win.

Trials & Tribulations

I found some time to myself to post to my blog at work. Not like it's a big thing to have some time to write but the opportunity is rare. Reduced manpower at the workplace has left the chance to use a computer as pretty much slim to none. Writing my thoughts while still fresh in my head gives me the chance to express myself with raw emotion. Nothing worse in my opinion then having to write about one's emotions by recall.
I feel stupid... I feel this way because I've let my heart dictate what my actions should be without reasonable thought. I told myself that I've fallen in love with someone but since the relationship hasn't reached a level beyond friendly companionship I've begun to have second thoughts about the whole idea. Maybe I'm wrong about this one... Maybe I'm right but it's just going to take more time... Maybe I don't know anything...
Some one I follow on Twitter tweeted earlier "When we lack love for ourselves, our behaviors fall into one of two categories: getting or protecting." I've always seen myself as a protector, a person who goes out of their way for others. I used to think it was due to having an altruistic personality but now currently thinking otherwise. My conclusion: I'm stupid... and too nice.
I swear I'm lacking some a**hole gene or something that makes it close to impossible for me not to be nice. Constantly worrying about others think about me is something that drives me up a wall. "I'm too nice." This thought echoes in my head. "I'm too nice." This personality trait has wreaked chaos on my relationships with people. I tried being a more crass individual, surprisingly it worked. People are more attracted to people who act like jerks. The downside of it is: I didn't like myself.
To be continued...

Hope, Faith and Persistance

So it's been four weeks since my last post. There's been plenty I've been wanting to write about but... My feelings regarding my affections have been reserved for off the web conversations. My last post caused some waves in my personal life that I prefer not to be repeated. That being said, life has returned to a plateau of normalcy, depending on whatever you consider to be normal. My financial situation is starting to become one of a "what can I live without" scenario. For instance, as I write this DirecTV has canceled my service due to the fact that my DirecTV bill has not been payed in two months. So I decided that I can live without satellite TV and instead will have streaming television through my Xbox. I am able to get free WiFi and figured that the combined cost of Xbox LIVE Gold ($5) + NetFlix ($7.99) + Hulu Plus ($7.99) = $20.98 a month makes better sense then the $105 I currently pay monthly to DirecTV. A savings of $84 in these cash strapped times is a smart move, in my honest opinion.
*I wrote an entire paragraph about Hope, but decided to delete it from my final draft of this post*
Earlier this week I went to church for the first time in almost a year. I really don't remember the last time I went but it was most likely after my initial separation from my ex-wife. I didn't go for myself, but instead went to pray for Hope. She currently works at a job she hates and it makes her so unhappy it basically sucks the joy from her life. I prayed to St. Joseph that she finds a better job and lit a candle. For those who were not raised Catholic, myself raised Roman Catholic (there's more than one kind http://bit.ly/i6we9q), these are the type of things we do... honoring saints, lighting candles, praying for others, etc. Any way, getting off topic... I went back to church the next day and prayed again for Hope's happiness. I asked GOD (another Catholic trait, we capitalize the G word) that I wanted her to be happy and if we were meant to be that HE make so. What can I say, I'm head over heels for this woman. I think about her constantly, from the moment that I wake-up til the moment I go to sleep.
No matter what, I will always continue to be Hope's friend, she is the only thing that seems to be constant in my life. So many other people have come and gone it's sad that I no longer fear being alone. Would be lovers, close to distant friends and even family have disappeared from my life. "Out of sight, out of mind" is the likely explanation. My phone hardly ever rings, unless it's a bill collector, and sometimes when I reach out to would be friends, I get ignored. It seems no one ever has time and I have all the time in the world. I'm not sad about it though. "Never have expectations and you'll never be disappointed" is how I take it day by day. It works for now but it's not how I want to be forever.

Love & Other Drugs

I'm love sick. I don't want to be but I am. The reason for this is because I've fallen for someone that doesn't love me back. Not that they don't want to but because that emotion just hasn't hit them yet. Also the revelation that I was compared to a puppy, fun to be around and lovable but a responsibility not wanted, kinda pierced my heart. I don't know what to think anymore. It feels like I'm right where I started five months ago, with my emotions at the whim of another person. But at least this time I know if the unthinkable happens, as much as I pray and wish it doesn't, my heart will heal.
Wednesday was a very sad day. Steve Jobs, the CEO of Apple Inc., passed away from his fight with cancer. I don't currently own any Apple products but Hope practically has every Apple product there is; an iPhone 4, an iPod, an iPad and a MacBook Pro. Imagine her devastation when she heard the news. I'm glad I went to see her at her school, even if it was for a little while. Any time I spend with her makes me feel closer to her. I feel we're in the "bonding process", where the important thing for us is to build a bond that makes us more a couple rather than two separate people. I want to be with her, I really do.
With all the tributes to Steve Jobs' passing, the most prominent for me was the video of his commencement speech at Standford University back in 2005. There were many poignant things he said but what really hit home for me was this: "Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something - your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life." So for now I'll simply trust that the dots will connect in my future, perhaps with a little faith... and a little hope.