Who Am I?

   I asked myself this question last night and I couldn't really answer. I thought I knew. However time has clouded who I really am as a person. Some say "people are a product of their environment" while others will say that "a person is who they are regardless of 'where' they are." I think that I've changed and reinvented myself so many times I've forgotten who I am. A favorite movie quote of mine, "it's not who you are underneath, it's what you do that defines you" really brings it home to me. If so then what I've done lately reveals a definition of a man I don't want to be. Immature, dumb, prideful, selfish... These are some of the words that come to mine but what sticks out the most is inattentive. "You never know what you have till it's gone" and I've possibly lost something that is truly irreplaceable. Men are not afraid of making mistakes, it's the mistakes they realize they have to live with that tears them up inside.
   I like to believe I'm a dying breed. I believe in holding a door for a woman and pulling out her chair. I don't like people that don't deliver on their promises. I'm a man of my word and when I'm not I feel like crap. I like girls who wear glasses. I used to play the tuba in marching band and I never learned to read sheet music. Every girl I've ever been physical with I actually imagined marrying her. I don't say "I love you" unless I mean it. I don't like to explain myself because I think I'm making excuses. I'm secretive and guarded. I'm lonely. I haven't met many people I would consider good friends and the good ones don't stick around for very long. The first time I can remember that I cried for another person was at the funeral of a former classmate's father, but it was because I thought about my own father dying. The lowest moment in my life was after my wife left and took our two dogs from me. I was in our empty house, there was no furniture, the lights were off and I had just texted a friend to check on me during the night. After that I laid on the floor with a pistol in my hand and debated if I wanted to see tomorrow. I'm not proud of a lot of things I've done in my life but my pride still gets the better of me.
   I used to think that I knew who I was but I'm not sure anymore. I don't know who I am but I know who I would like to be. For now I can only think and speculate who I am as a person. Hopefully time will teach me who I really am and I can only pray I meet someone like the one I hold closest to my heart. I was wrong and there are many things I should have done but didn't.

Concern of the Unknown

Nothing much has changed in the past few weeks. I did not score high enough on my promotion test to be selected for advancement. Better luck next time I guess. The thoughts in my head preoccupy me. I wonder about my love life. Will I find another? Will I find someone that will love and appreciate me? Do I really want to start again? I don't have the time and energy to go mate searching, so for now it's not a priority.
My finances are getting better and by the end of next month, all of my credit card balances will be under $1,000. The thought of being debt free is something that excites me and seeing my balances shrink over time makes getting to that goal that much more rewarding. Just eight more months of payments and I'll be home free. Freeing up the income I waste on paying credit card balances will allow me to finally afford braces and possibly save up for a house.
My annual trip back to New York is coming up in five weeks. I'm looking forward to my long awaited vacation. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and every day I'm a little bit closer to the end. However my concern is what is waiting for me once I get there. The uncertainty of it all makes me worried but I guess I'll just deal with it when I get there.