To have loved...

   The saying goes: "It is better to have loved and lost, then to never have loved at all." Heartbreak is a hell of a thing, especially when you are the cause of your own broken heart. All men go through it and most of the time, we blame ourselves. I remember talking with a co-worker last night about my last love and saying the words "but I messed it up." I did mess it up. I didn't love myself enough to extend that upon another person. I wasn't living my life to the fullest and I surely was not happy. So in my own misery, I lost the one thing that meant more to me than anything I could imagine. I'm not sure if I'll ever get it back but I try to convince myself that if I live my life differently, perhaps I will.
   I live by myself with my mini-dachshund, Frida, as my only company. I'm actually happy being by myself. No roommates to bother me, no strange people coming and going. I live by my own schedule and under my own terms. Going to church the past couple weeks have helped. I've hardly been a good, practicing Catholic but having faith in my life keeps me going these days. It helps, I guess...
Nonetheless, I'm lonely but still hopeful that the loneliness won't last for too long. The Rule of Three states that you CANNOT survive: 3 seconds without Spirit and Hope, 3 minutes without air, 3 Hours without shelter in extreme conditions, 3 days without water, 3 weeks without food, 3 months without Companionship or Love. The last time I lived alone, I went almost 5 months before I started posting ads for a roommate. However, I'm not in a position to sublet to anyone at my current residence. So it's just me and my puppy. I take care of her and in turn I guess she takes care of me. Heartbreak is a lesson in love and sometimes all you can do is learn from it because it may not offer a solution to what broke your heart. Sometimes the lesson is just knowledge and experience to be retained later for the future.

Memories of war

   A thought entered my mind as I was driving home this morning. Something peculiar, that most (normal) people wouldn't think about. I longed for war. Not a war I thought was coming or anything farfetched as something you would see in a work of fiction. I missed the war. It has been eight years since I left the deserts of northwest Baghdad but if I imagine hard enough, I can still feel the hot, dry air blow on my face. The smell of the sand after it rains or of something burning somewhere off in the distance. The bright sun in my eyes and plumes of smoke that arose from mortar strikes that would break up the monotony of the plain light, blue sky. Sounds of Blackhawk helicopters flying over head were my lullaby as I drifted to sleep after a long day of patrols. Would I want to be over there now? Of course not but from time to time, I miss the war. I lost friends there, brothers. I wear their names on my arm and occasionally I cry tears in their memory.
   Even after all the atrocities I've witnessed, I miss it. I came home a different man, forever changed from the experience of combat and by simply surviving what countless others did not. I will never be normal. I always feel I'm on the outside looking in, always vigilant to some unforeseen force that would do me harm. I never relax because something can trigger an emotional response in me that causes me to become completely despondent to everything around me. This wasn't the first time... the thought comes every now and then; "I miss the war."
   John McCain said: "War is wretched beyond description, and only a fool or a fraud could sentimentalize its cruel reality." I am neither but I can't think that it's normal to think this way but the sad reality is, it's the norm. Sometimes I wish the feelings would go away but I don't think they ever will. I can function to the best of my ability but the fact of the matter is: I remember the war and all it's experiences... and sometimes I wish I was still there.

Changes

   The hardest thing a human being can do is change himself. Most people never change. Some people change for a little while, then quickly change back. Change is an unwanted and frightening thing to people. I know it is for me. Moving from town to town, with no family or close friends. This past month I have moved for the fifth time in the six years I have lived in Arizona. It's a testament to how truly lost I am. Of course the first and second time I moved was with my ex-wife. The first time was relocating from New York, the second time was when we bought a new house. I lost that house and everything in it. My marriage, my dogs, my savings, furniture... everything. 

   Now I'm alone again. Starting over in a single bedroom apartment in a new town, it's scary. It's scary mostly because the love of my life is possibly gone forever and I'm not sure how to cope with it. It's depressing but also infuriating. I'm angry at myself for messing up a good thing. I didn't fight hard enough for her. I didn't tell her that there is no one else that I could ever ever be with, and that I would rather be alone than without her. I didn't do a good job of that. My heart says stay and fight but I'm afraid the damage has been done. I'm afraid the damage is too great to recover from. All I can do is wait and see. All there is to do now is work on myself; become a person I would want to be around, that others would want to be around. 

"If you want to end your isolation, you must be honest about what you want at a core level and decide to go after it." - Martha Beck

Who Am I?

   I asked myself this question last night and I couldn't really answer. I thought I knew. However time has clouded who I really am as a person. Some say "people are a product of their environment" while others will say that "a person is who they are regardless of 'where' they are." I think that I've changed and reinvented myself so many times I've forgotten who I am. A favorite movie quote of mine, "it's not who you are underneath, it's what you do that defines you" really brings it home to me. If so then what I've done lately reveals a definition of a man I don't want to be. Immature, dumb, prideful, selfish... These are some of the words that come to mine but what sticks out the most is inattentive. "You never know what you have till it's gone" and I've possibly lost something that is truly irreplaceable. Men are not afraid of making mistakes, it's the mistakes they realize they have to live with that tears them up inside.
   I like to believe I'm a dying breed. I believe in holding a door for a woman and pulling out her chair. I don't like people that don't deliver on their promises. I'm a man of my word and when I'm not I feel like crap. I like girls who wear glasses. I used to play the tuba in marching band and I never learned to read sheet music. Every girl I've ever been physical with I actually imagined marrying her. I don't say "I love you" unless I mean it. I don't like to explain myself because I think I'm making excuses. I'm secretive and guarded. I'm lonely. I haven't met many people I would consider good friends and the good ones don't stick around for very long. The first time I can remember that I cried for another person was at the funeral of a former classmate's father, but it was because I thought about my own father dying. The lowest moment in my life was after my wife left and took our two dogs from me. I was in our empty house, there was no furniture, the lights were off and I had just texted a friend to check on me during the night. After that I laid on the floor with a pistol in my hand and debated if I wanted to see tomorrow. I'm not proud of a lot of things I've done in my life but my pride still gets the better of me.
   I used to think that I knew who I was but I'm not sure anymore. I don't know who I am but I know who I would like to be. For now I can only think and speculate who I am as a person. Hopefully time will teach me who I really am and I can only pray I meet someone like the one I hold closest to my heart. I was wrong and there are many things I should have done but didn't.

Concern of the Unknown

Nothing much has changed in the past few weeks. I did not score high enough on my promotion test to be selected for advancement. Better luck next time I guess. The thoughts in my head preoccupy me. I wonder about my love life. Will I find another? Will I find someone that will love and appreciate me? Do I really want to start again? I don't have the time and energy to go mate searching, so for now it's not a priority.
My finances are getting better and by the end of next month, all of my credit card balances will be under $1,000. The thought of being debt free is something that excites me and seeing my balances shrink over time makes getting to that goal that much more rewarding. Just eight more months of payments and I'll be home free. Freeing up the income I waste on paying credit card balances will allow me to finally afford braces and possibly save up for a house.
My annual trip back to New York is coming up in five weeks. I'm looking forward to my long awaited vacation. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and every day I'm a little bit closer to the end. However my concern is what is waiting for me once I get there. The uncertainty of it all makes me worried but I guess I'll just deal with it when I get there.

What Happens Now?

The title for this post should really be "Hope is Gone..." but I'm trying to not focus on the negative. I've finally accepted (for now) that Hope will never want a relationship with me. The cyclic relationship Hope and I have been having has finally hit the wall. My jealous feelings towards her wanting to move on have come to a head and possibly damaged what was remaining of our friendship. However the crushing feeling of realizing that you are not compatible with another person that you are madly in love with is... debilitating. I no longer have the will to be breathe. These feelings and emotions couldn't be a worse time. I'm currently studying for a promotion test and the dramatic events in my daily life are constantly sidetracking me. I feel like how I felt when I got divorced, it's like I have nothing. No friends, no family, no love....
I think about moving back to New York but know I would not be any happier there. I moved for a reason and moving back would be a declaration of defeat. The past five years of my life would be in vain and I would be starting over when time is clearly not on my side nor a commodity I have in excess. So I try to focus on the uncertain future. Do I prosper and gain my desired financial freedom from debt? Do I find love and begin a family of my own? As of right now I lack the energy to ponder what life has in store for me down the road so in the meantime I'll just mourn the death of my 'happily ever after" with Hope.

Where has the time gone

     I've been gone for a long time. Perhaps too long. I've have not written anything since August and it seems my life has been preoccupied with the stress of living with other people. My divorce taught me how to live and depend on myself. I lived alone for about 5 1/2 months before I got a room mate. Now I have two and they're driving me nuts. The room mate situation is purely for financial reasons. I would rather live alone but the house I was renting was a lot of money. The room mate I acquired was through a Craigslist ad. He was a bit annoying at times and his quirks were a bit stressing for my personality but in hindsight he wasn't that bad. I lived with him for 10 months before I broke my lease and moved into a friend's house. One of my friend's co-workers also moved into the house.
     Eleven months later and I'm ready to move out. I hate to blame my issues on other people but I feel like I'm living with Brennan and Dale from Step Brothers. Two grown men that are suffering from Man-Child Syndrome and I can't take it anymore. Recently (as I write this) I had to spend the night at Hope's house because one of my room mates got so drunk he left the upstairs shower running for over an hour and the house flooded causing extensive damage to the house. In essence, my house became the "cold, wet wind tunnel house from hell" due to all the fans and dehumidifiers running non-stop to counteract the water damage. I've thought about moving out but my Debt to Asset ratio is in the red.
     My 2013 New Year resolution is to pay off all credit debt by November. So far I'm on track but some serious budgeting is in order. My stressful living conditions have taken a toll on my personal life as well. I don't socialize with friends and my relationship with Hope has become standoffish at best. For now I've told myself to simply "grit and bear it" but I know I can only do that for so long.