So today is Christmas Day and I'm not feeling very festive as I begin to write this. My family is spending Christmas till New Year's in Florida, except for my Dad who is in New York. Today is also my father's birthday and he didn't go to Florida because he doesn't travel. My room mate got me a couple presents for Christmas and I didn't get him anything. I feel really bad about it... actually I feel like sh*t. I'll make it up to him I guess. The issue on my mind however is far from the festivus of the holidays, it's the premise of attraction.
This morning I learned something that greatly disturbed me. I pretty much figured it out once a vital clue was dropped and that catalyst made all the pieces fall into place. I have a close friend at work, Danae, who is very much a confidant for me and she confides in me as well. She's been telling me about these two guys she's been seeing; 1: "Clingy", a very attached young guy who she is primarily sexually attracted to and not much else. It's no strings attached or friend with benefits type arrangement. However the guy has feelings for her and she has none for him. 2:"Situation", an unmarried guy who lives with his on-again, off-again girlfriend and mother of his kids. She has grown attached to him and cares for him but his uncaring attitude plus his verbal abuse makes him unsuitable to be in an actual relationship. Also mostly a friends with benefits arrangement. Plus his "situation" with his (ex)girlfriend is rather unsavory, hence his nickname. Danae is also a single mom, which makes her daughter another factor.
Now that we're all caught up to speed... Danae tried to cut herself off from "Clingy" and "Situation" but they both still pester her. "Situation" especially because she does have feelings for him but all he wants from her is sex and she knows this. He holds her emotions hostage by saying he cares and being charming but reverts back to being a jerk when he doesn't get his way. Now the thing that shocked me in my self discovery of "Situation's" identity was when Danae told me she saw him at work during shift change. "Wait, he's here?" I thought to myself and I immediately pieced together who it was. The cocky attitude, the baby mama drama, the macho-sexual self confidence that makes you want to puke... "Situation" is the BIGGEST DOUCHE BAG at the office. I always referred to him as "Drama", which is also a tattoo he has on his neck, classy right?
So here's my thoughts: Why is it that women are so attracted to these bad boy types? Men who are so totally wrong for them or just completely emotionally devoid to women that nice guys don't stand a chance because they are so emotionally damaged after being with these jerks. The world is full of broken women that wouldn't know true love if it bit them in the rear. It's not their fault though, the world glorifies the sexual prowess of a man. Look at "Jersey Shore" or any movie in the past 20 years that puts the "player" on a pedestal. A woman who commits the same crime is seen as a "slut" or "loose", even though she's simply acting how a typical man is believed to act. It comes down to fantasy and instant gratification. Movies are fantasy while television is instant gratification. Television shows you the Jersey Shore and every one wants to emulate a bunch of morons. Movies like "The Notebook", "Titanic" or "Pretty Woman" show you fantasy. The fantasy of what attraction is supposed to be, but as they say, that only happens in the movies.
I think I finally found a purpose for this blog, to explore the laws of attractions and why things happen between nice guys, good girls and bad boys.... Let the adventure begin.
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Friday, December 23, 2011
No Good Deed Goes Unpunished
I woke up this morning with a feeling of utmost hurt. My heart hurts and there is a legitimate pain in my chest to remind me that it hurts. The past two weeks have been filled with uncertainty only to be concluded with future ambiguity. My pain however is my own doing. I carelessly fell in love with another person with out evaluating the entire situation. But that's what happens when you become enamored with someone... you fall. It was a nice feeling though, to care about someone that genuinely appreciated the company you provide. But the timing was all wrong. She didn't have time to properly heal from her last relationship and my pursuit of her probably has extended that healing period. That hurt has caught up to her and she decided that romantic feelings need to be put aside. My feelings for her however are undying. I don't want to lose that, but it hurts to hold on to something such as unrequited love.
In the meantime I have tried to right the wrongs that have been prolonged since late September. Kelli, a long standing friend of Hope, has been incommunicado since her mother no longer wanted anything to do with myself or Hope. This stems from a day long birthday celebration that lasted into the next morning and Kelli's mother is extremely overprotective. The veracity was skewed and the blame was placed on us. Her mother also has been by Kelli's side since and they are always seen in tandem. Well a week ago I decided to save their friendship by apologizing to Kelli's mother so our circle of friends could be rejoined. It worked, or so I believed. A few days ago I socialized with my friend Barnes and Kelli, of course with her mother in tow. It seemed like the good old days, only with Hope not present. As we all prepared to travel to another venue, Kelli's mother made comments to me about Hope. I defended her but was rebuffed by more disparaging comments. Unfortunately no one else was around to hear the conversation so my only proof is my word. I felt uncomfortable about the whole event and left early without saying goodbye.
Yesterday I volunteered at a Food Bank, handing out food to needy families. It was a good feeling to help others. I did this for roughly five hours, helping at least over a hundred families and moving over 5,000 pounds of food. It was a rush and I definitely found a new cause in my life by being a volunteer. Afterwards I went home and later on got to see Hope for the first time in a couple weeks. I brought by some Christmas gifts and during our conversation I told her about the events from the other night. Upon that news, she contacted Kelli and an argument ensued. It effectively ended their friendship. This was the complete opposite of my intentions. Afterwards I had a deep talk with Hope. She affirmed to me that she only wanted to remain friends and that the idea of being romantically attached to anyone at this time was out of the question. My resolve remained the same, I would always be her friend. So now I feel out of place, completely out of of the loop but not lost. I know what I want and where I want to go but unsure when that will happen. That's just the uncertainty of life I guess. New Year's is only 8 days and I can't wait for this year to end. New beginnings with resolutions to achieve and perhaps voids in this life that will be filled in the year to come.
In the meantime I have tried to right the wrongs that have been prolonged since late September. Kelli, a long standing friend of Hope, has been incommunicado since her mother no longer wanted anything to do with myself or Hope. This stems from a day long birthday celebration that lasted into the next morning and Kelli's mother is extremely overprotective. The veracity was skewed and the blame was placed on us. Her mother also has been by Kelli's side since and they are always seen in tandem. Well a week ago I decided to save their friendship by apologizing to Kelli's mother so our circle of friends could be rejoined. It worked, or so I believed. A few days ago I socialized with my friend Barnes and Kelli, of course with her mother in tow. It seemed like the good old days, only with Hope not present. As we all prepared to travel to another venue, Kelli's mother made comments to me about Hope. I defended her but was rebuffed by more disparaging comments. Unfortunately no one else was around to hear the conversation so my only proof is my word. I felt uncomfortable about the whole event and left early without saying goodbye.
Yesterday I volunteered at a Food Bank, handing out food to needy families. It was a good feeling to help others. I did this for roughly five hours, helping at least over a hundred families and moving over 5,000 pounds of food. It was a rush and I definitely found a new cause in my life by being a volunteer. Afterwards I went home and later on got to see Hope for the first time in a couple weeks. I brought by some Christmas gifts and during our conversation I told her about the events from the other night. Upon that news, she contacted Kelli and an argument ensued. It effectively ended their friendship. This was the complete opposite of my intentions. Afterwards I had a deep talk with Hope. She affirmed to me that she only wanted to remain friends and that the idea of being romantically attached to anyone at this time was out of the question. My resolve remained the same, I would always be her friend. So now I feel out of place, completely out of of the loop but not lost. I know what I want and where I want to go but unsure when that will happen. That's just the uncertainty of life I guess. New Year's is only 8 days and I can't wait for this year to end. New beginnings with resolutions to achieve and perhaps voids in this life that will be filled in the year to come.
Friday, December 2, 2011
Nothing to Celebrate
I always feel compelled to return to this blog. I'm not the type to start things without finishing them. Nothing much to report these days. Bills seem to be under control, not like the summer where money was flying out the window. Spending has been greatly curtailed and luxuries like satellite TV are gone. I've been trying to ween myself off fast food, especially since I spent nearly $90 on it last month. That $90 could have easily went to groceries and fed me for much longer. However a lot of my debts are coming down on me this month. My car payment has been increased due to a lapse in insurance from last summer. I need to take a traffic school class that I've been dodging before the 12th of this month or pay in full for a ticket I got in July. My Verizon bill is going to include my cancellation fee for $230, since I went to Sprint. So many things involving money... money I really don't have.
Also Christmas is right around the corner. Christmas is my least favorite time of year. Between the total lack of celebratory glee I used to get as a child and the circumstances of my divorce... Christmas doesn't have much meaning for me. I feel dead inside when Christmas comes around, like it's just another day. I'm not a Scrooge or Grinch about it, just not excited about it. I feel bad when I can't buy presents for people I care about. However I know Christmas is not about presents. It's just what ever feelings I used to have about Christmas is gone and I don't know if I'll ever get them back.
Also Christmas is right around the corner. Christmas is my least favorite time of year. Between the total lack of celebratory glee I used to get as a child and the circumstances of my divorce... Christmas doesn't have much meaning for me. I feel dead inside when Christmas comes around, like it's just another day. I'm not a Scrooge or Grinch about it, just not excited about it. I feel bad when I can't buy presents for people I care about. However I know Christmas is not about presents. It's just what ever feelings I used to have about Christmas is gone and I don't know if I'll ever get them back.
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