....Continued from "Trials & Tribulations"
On a lighter note, I find a positive outcome to my moments of doubt. It allows me to reflect on my past and gauge what outcomes I seek for the future. My resolve strengthens and I resume on a track of moving forward. I know exactly what I want. It's right in front of me... However what I desire is wild and untameable, like the sea... and perhaps just as cold. No matter, "what the heart wants, the heart wants" and very much so willing to fight for it.
Someone once asked me "Are you a lover or a fighter?" I replied "I'm both." This particular person told me, "You can't be both... you're either one or the other." So I said "Well then.. I'm a fighter." I've fought my whole life. I was bullied in grade school. Was never popular among my classmates. I was picked on cause I was smaller than everyone else. But, I had a good heart. Perhaps too much heart for my own good. All the disappointments endured in this life have made me tougher. I'm a fighter because you can fight for love. You can fight for others even if they don't know you or even care about you. You fight because it's the right thing to do. A fighter never quits, even if they appear to be outmatched or even over powered. It doesn't matter because if you fight with everything you got, the only way you lose is by self defeat.
Dr. Martin Luther King Jr is credited with saying, "A man who won't die for something is not fit to live." Funny the way I came across this quote but entirely not important. It made me self examine my character. What am I willing to die for? A question not easily answered but made me reflect on a creed I once memorized. A portion of it goes like this: "In the race for victory, I am swift, determined, and courageous, armed with a fierce will to win." Words... simple yet inspiring. All it takes are a few words and you can inspire others perhaps even yourself. This self-inspiration is what makes the goal obtainable. I don't know why these things happened but I'm glad they did. Everyday I'm stronger than the day before. I know what I want and I'm willing to fight for it. I don't fight for the hell of it either... I fight to win.
Monday, November 14, 2011
Trials & Tribulations
I found some time to myself to post to my blog at work. Not like it's a big thing to have some time to write but the opportunity is rare. Reduced manpower at the workplace has left the chance to use a computer as pretty much slim to none. Writing my thoughts while still fresh in my head gives me the chance to express myself with raw emotion. Nothing worse in my opinion then having to write about one's emotions by recall.
I feel stupid... I feel this way because I've let my heart dictate what my actions should be without reasonable thought. I told myself that I've fallen in love with someone but since the relationship hasn't reached a level beyond friendly companionship I've begun to have second thoughts about the whole idea. Maybe I'm wrong about this one... Maybe I'm right but it's just going to take more time... Maybe I don't know anything...
Some one I follow on Twitter tweeted earlier "When we lack love for ourselves, our behaviors fall into one of two categories: getting or protecting." I've always seen myself as a protector, a person who goes out of their way for others. I used to think it was due to having an altruistic personality but now currently thinking otherwise. My conclusion: I'm stupid... and too nice.
I swear I'm lacking some a**hole gene or something that makes it close to impossible for me not to be nice. Constantly worrying about others think about me is something that drives me up a wall. "I'm too nice." This thought echoes in my head. "I'm too nice." This personality trait has wreaked chaos on my relationships with people. I tried being a more crass individual, surprisingly it worked. People are more attracted to people who act like jerks. The downside of it is: I didn't like myself.
To be continued...
I feel stupid... I feel this way because I've let my heart dictate what my actions should be without reasonable thought. I told myself that I've fallen in love with someone but since the relationship hasn't reached a level beyond friendly companionship I've begun to have second thoughts about the whole idea. Maybe I'm wrong about this one... Maybe I'm right but it's just going to take more time... Maybe I don't know anything...
Some one I follow on Twitter tweeted earlier "When we lack love for ourselves, our behaviors fall into one of two categories: getting or protecting." I've always seen myself as a protector, a person who goes out of their way for others. I used to think it was due to having an altruistic personality but now currently thinking otherwise. My conclusion: I'm stupid... and too nice.
I swear I'm lacking some a**hole gene or something that makes it close to impossible for me not to be nice. Constantly worrying about others think about me is something that drives me up a wall. "I'm too nice." This thought echoes in my head. "I'm too nice." This personality trait has wreaked chaos on my relationships with people. I tried being a more crass individual, surprisingly it worked. People are more attracted to people who act like jerks. The downside of it is: I didn't like myself.
To be continued...
Friday, November 4, 2011
Hope, Faith and Persistance
So it's been four weeks since my last post. There's been plenty I've been wanting to write about but... My feelings regarding my affections have been reserved for off the web conversations. My last post caused some waves in my personal life that I prefer not to be repeated. That being said, life has returned to a plateau of normalcy, depending on whatever you consider to be normal. My financial situation is starting to become one of a "what can I live without" scenario. For instance, as I write this DirecTV has canceled my service due to the fact that my DirecTV bill has not been payed in two months. So I decided that I can live without satellite TV and instead will have streaming television through my Xbox. I am able to get free WiFi and figured that the combined cost of Xbox LIVE Gold ($5) + NetFlix ($7.99) + Hulu Plus ($7.99) = $20.98 a month makes better sense then the $105 I currently pay monthly to DirecTV. A savings of $84 in these cash strapped times is a smart move, in my honest opinion.
*I wrote an entire paragraph about Hope, but decided to delete it from my final draft of this post*
Earlier this week I went to church for the first time in almost a year. I really don't remember the last time I went but it was most likely after my initial separation from my ex-wife. I didn't go for myself, but instead went to pray for Hope. She currently works at a job she hates and it makes her so unhappy it basically sucks the joy from her life. I prayed to St. Joseph that she finds a better job and lit a candle. For those who were not raised Catholic, myself raised Roman Catholic (there's more than one kind http://bit.ly/i6we9q), these are the type of things we do... honoring saints, lighting candles, praying for others, etc. Any way, getting off topic... I went back to church the next day and prayed again for Hope's happiness. I asked GOD (another Catholic trait, we capitalize the G word) that I wanted her to be happy and if we were meant to be that HE make so. What can I say, I'm head over heels for this woman. I think about her constantly, from the moment that I wake-up til the moment I go to sleep.
No matter what, I will always continue to be Hope's friend, she is the only thing that seems to be constant in my life. So many other people have come and gone it's sad that I no longer fear being alone. Would be lovers, close to distant friends and even family have disappeared from my life. "Out of sight, out of mind" is the likely explanation. My phone hardly ever rings, unless it's a bill collector, and sometimes when I reach out to would be friends, I get ignored. It seems no one ever has time and I have all the time in the world. I'm not sad about it though. "Never have expectations and you'll never be disappointed" is how I take it day by day. It works for now but it's not how I want to be forever.
*I wrote an entire paragraph about Hope, but decided to delete it from my final draft of this post*
Earlier this week I went to church for the first time in almost a year. I really don't remember the last time I went but it was most likely after my initial separation from my ex-wife. I didn't go for myself, but instead went to pray for Hope. She currently works at a job she hates and it makes her so unhappy it basically sucks the joy from her life. I prayed to St. Joseph that she finds a better job and lit a candle. For those who were not raised Catholic, myself raised Roman Catholic (there's more than one kind http://bit.ly/i6we9q), these are the type of things we do... honoring saints, lighting candles, praying for others, etc. Any way, getting off topic... I went back to church the next day and prayed again for Hope's happiness. I asked GOD (another Catholic trait, we capitalize the G word) that I wanted her to be happy and if we were meant to be that HE make so. What can I say, I'm head over heels for this woman. I think about her constantly, from the moment that I wake-up til the moment I go to sleep.
No matter what, I will always continue to be Hope's friend, she is the only thing that seems to be constant in my life. So many other people have come and gone it's sad that I no longer fear being alone. Would be lovers, close to distant friends and even family have disappeared from my life. "Out of sight, out of mind" is the likely explanation. My phone hardly ever rings, unless it's a bill collector, and sometimes when I reach out to would be friends, I get ignored. It seems no one ever has time and I have all the time in the world. I'm not sad about it though. "Never have expectations and you'll never be disappointed" is how I take it day by day. It works for now but it's not how I want to be forever.