I Disappear

So today was another interesting one for me. It's seems no matter what I do to try and distance myself from drama in my life something has to pop it's way in. The Yin can not exist without the Yang I guess. Well the day started out excellent. Had an entertaining phone conversation with someone while I was at work. Yay! I had a lot work to do so the conversation had to end unfortunately. Four hours later the work day was over and my weekend began. Got home and the roommate informed me he was having someone come over to clean the house tomorrow. (0_0)! Um, shocked... (see previous blog entry) Shortly after he left I did a mini workout and passed out on the couch. Woke up around noon-ish, let the dog out and passed out in my bed.
Finally got up at around 5:00, 5:30 or 6:00... whatever. Immediately jumped on Twitter, checked my timeline and had a few chuckles. Checked my FaceBook...why did I get that horrible thing... and found out that two Officers I have worked with were assaulted. The emotional roller coaster came over me and I found myself doing another workout. In the past couple of weeks I've dedicated myself to eating right, working out and quitting smoking. I haven't had a cigarette in weeks and not even a drink for seven days. I've lost 15 pounds, whittled my waist to 32 inches and increased my energy ten fold. It's like a fire been lit beneath me but I really don't know what the motivation behind it is. Actually, that's a lie. I know what the motivation is. I was having a conversation with some one last Thursday and they told me "If you want something bad enough, you have to fight for it." Kinda serves me two fold... If I stay, I could possibly be happy and have something worth fighting for. If I choose to leave, I'll be in the best shape of my life and doing something that I feel is a personal calling. It comes down to which philosophy to follow, Chalmers or Hemingway? Time will only tell...
"The Grand essentials of happiness are: something to do, something to love, and something to hope for.”
-Allan K. Chalmers
"Certainly there is no hunting like the hunting of man, and those who have hunted armed men long enough...and liked it, never care for anything else thereafter."
-Ernest Hemingway

Semi-charmed kind of Life

So, I took a day off from blogging yesterday... I usually don't do much on Sundays, save for some exercise and a little cleanup of the house. I like to entertain the idea that I actually rest on the Sabbath but I haven't been to church in almost a year. Any way, starting to regret having a room mate as of lately. I came home from work this morning, saw his truck out front and immediately thought "Oh, great... this f^cker is home." My room mate moved in back in mid-April and at first was kinda cool. Now I find myself cleaning up after him and turning off lights and fans that he leaves on. I feel like I live with a 32yo kid that pays rent. Any how, he does pay 40% of the rent and due to my current financial standing really can't go back to handling 100% of the rent by myself. Well not really "can't", more like "don't want to".
By now you might be asking, "Okay, no where in your blog do you explain, how you're a Tragic Nice Guy, what are you blabbing about?" Well, something like that can't be done in a single post and I don't want to lose material too early. I chose the title Tragic Nice Guy because I have no other way to describe myself. I go out of my way for others, not expecting much in return and only accepting the fact I made someone else's day a little better as my reward. Yeah I expect few *cough*bull-sh!t* out there but, it's the truth. I've always been very altruistic, I was a Boy Scout for goodness' sake. Guys like that tend to only exist in movies, the guy who gets stepped on, bullied, completely outcast from the mainstream. The typecast "Duckie" from Pretty in Pink, or perhaps more modern Kirk from She's Out of My League, you know... sweet, a bit dorky and not a mean bone in his body. Yeah, me... to a T. The "T" should stand for "tragic". However in the movies the nice guy gets back at the bullies and ultimately gets the girl. Well, my life is not a movie. I live alone, save for my roommate, have few friends and currently not in a romantic relationship. Strangely enough, I'm happy. I kinda like that if I need to just pick up and leave... I can.
Recently been playing with the thought of taking a private security contract in either Iraq or Afghanistan. The money would be phenomenal, $80k-$100k, it would definitely help me get back on my feet and I would be doing something that pretty much come to me second nature. My job assignment in Iraq back in '04-'05 was that of armored-truck gunner as well as squad designated marksman. I took some licks but came back in one piece, however the idea of going back privately has been a fleeting idea for about 3 1/2 years now. I would love to go but recently someone said to me; "Money can't bring you the happiness that another person can." And I'm back to square one. One of my personal colloquialisms is; What the mind wants and the heart yearns for, are two completely different things. This couldn't be more descriptive of my situation because between what my mind wants and my heart begs for is a faint beam of hope. *smile

Cat's Out of the Bag

So turns out there are no secrets among those I associate with. My activities from the past seven days have made their way around the block and then some. I would talk more about it, but... I would rather not. That subject has been addressed from my soapbox quite enough. Well someone informed me they read my blog, yay for feedback, however they didn't get the point of my blog. LoL. Well, I guess every writer needs a critic. *wink* I started this blog because of the incredibly long week I've been having. My past keeps coming back to haunt me and I figured by writing it out I could analyze where I went wrong. Also, why not start a blog? What a perfect way to vent my discontentment with everyday life. Now don't get me wrong, I'm actually happier than a pig in mud right now with life. However, how many people maintain a blog rather than just sit on a couch and watch TV all day?
On top of that I really enjoy writing, I was actually writing a book a few months ago. I haven't touched it since late June... actually June 27th was my last revision, ironic. I guess I lost the motivation I had to write it. A lot of the material was coming from a dark place. Funny how anger and depression can motivate you to do one thing only to have joy and happiness cause you to do something else. Perhaps I might start writing that book some more.

Origins & Explanations

So... for those that don't know me, here is a little back story: I am a 28yo divorced, straight man living in Arizona. I am originally form Long Island, NY and moved out to AZ while I was still married. For the time being my close friends consist of women and gay men. I've discovered my straight, single friends tend to only think about one thing and it's become boring to to me. How much can one person revolve their life around sex. On top of that I think the jealousy has finally come aground, apparently so if my happiness has become too much for others to bear. Any way, I also served in the Army for six years after I graduated High School. I worked down at Ground Zero after the World Trade Center fell, did security at U.S.M.A. West Point and conducted combat missions in Iraq. I broke my foot a few weeks before leaving Iraq and was discharged six months after I came home. 
I tried to go to college but with constant deployments and call-ups, it became difficult to attend school. I would really like to finish school and get my degree but perhaps some day. Until then I work for Maricopa County and hopefully I don't do it for the rest of my life. So I spend most of my time at home, in bars or at work. Exciting life, huh? Well I guess Drew Carey said it best: "Hate your job, huh? Well there's a support group for that, it's called EVERYONE and they meet at the bar."

The Show Goes On

So it's been an interesting week. Budding new friendships, haunting pasts revisited and ultimate betrayal. Also today is day two of no alcohol, when I go out though. I do drink when I'm home because I've convinced myself that drinking at home is harmless due to the fact I can't embarrass myself. I'm pretty sure the dog can care less what I do at home. So I went out with my new friends "Barnes", his friend Frank and "Kelly" to the casino for karaoke. I did very well with my songs and on stage to boot. The big screen was not working so to sing, meant getting up on stage. A good thing since I suffer from "stage fright". There are a couple of fears I want to conquer this year before it's over and it was good to get over that. It was still uneasy for me to have a good time since I was still reeling from the fact my ex"best friend" stabbed me in the heart to purposely sabotage my evening.
I did have a good time but I let my emotions get the best of me. I have tried to live by; "Have no expectations and you will have no disappointments." However the betrayal of AJ two nights earlier has left me vulnerable. Either way time has brought nothing new to perturb me at this point so I guess I'm grateful for that. I'm also grateful for new friends that value having a good time over selfish drama. In the the new out with the old, I guess.

The Final Betrayal

So now fast forward to today. I've met this incredible person who we'll call "Hope" and I met her back in late June. Hope had ended a relationship very badly about two days prior when I formally introduced myself so I didn't bother to ask for her number. I figured if there was a semblance of a future, I'd run into her again. We ran into each other again and we became friends. Since my divorce, I developed a bit of a problem with alcohol. Not alcoholism per se but when I drink I tend to drink too much and it tends to get me into trouble. That being said I got really drunk about three weeks ago to the point I needed a lift home. In the process I confessed to her friends that I really liked Hope and had a crush on her. Innocent enough... well Hope found out and the following week I told her how I felt face to face. She accepted it and explained that she wasn't looking for another relationship. Fair enough, I wasn't looking myself and told her I would value simply being her friend. We hung out together on several occasions and things were good. Enter "Vader"... 
For two months I never mentioned anything about Hope to anyone, especially not AJ. This past Saturday (8/20) I skipped work and hung out with Hope all night. I was with AJ at the time I called her so naturally he learned about her existence. AJ and I went to see a mutual friend leaving for Afghanistan and then parted ways for the evening. AJ went home and I went to hang out with Hope. Come this past Tuesday, my mother upset me with her piss poor communication skills so I went AJ's house to blow off steam. In the process, AJ informed me that he had went to visit GF #4 at her place and she dropped some heavy news on him. Apparently she had been raped in her apartment after a night of heavy drinking and had tried to get into contact with me. Shocked was not the word... fast forward to later that evening. I went to karaoke, like every Tuesday night, and proceeded to have a good time. My friends were there and Hope was there. It came time for AJ to sing and he was out having a smoke. Rather than let my friend get skipped I went to go get him. To my dismay he was talking to GF #4. She had come to the karaoke bar with her roommate, some guy. We talked, I was uncomfortable and tried to be amicable. The conversation ended and I began to drink heavily. I did things I regret... I was very bad to Hope, behaved very poorly, like a creep. I apologized the next day but the damage was done.
Well, lo and behold I happened to spend the night at AJ's last night... Feeling curious, I looked in his phone and checked his call history. I had left to shower at my place and no sooner I left, AJ called GF #4. It explains everything, he invited her to the karaoke bar. I haven't seen her in three months, why else would she show? Why would he do that? As if almost to sabotage my evening. This is why I didn't want him to meet Hope. This is way I call him "rolling bad luck". Stabbed in the back, betrayed for the last time. How ironic when I "Unfriended" him the message that appeared to confirm my action: You are no longer friends with ____________. How true indeed.

Betrayed by Vader for the last time

Yeah the title above might be a bit much for those not in the know. However it comes from the Star Wars: Force Unleashed project... in summary Darth Vader had a secret apprentice, Galen Marek alias "Starkiller", before the Rebellion started and.... blah, blah, just Google it. So I'm a bit of a fan boy and a nerd if you haven't noticed. Anyway I have a friend who we'll call "A.J.", who is also a nerd like me. AJ always seemed to have his way with women, more so then me. You could classify him as a man-whore. We always joked that he was Vader and I was Starkiller, teaching me the ways of the Dark Side or how to get more women. I've only had four girlfriends, one I eventually married and divorced. I've only been with two women sexually, my wife was frigid and we never had sex. So newly single I now had a wingman to explore my new found freedom. Well in my experience, AJ was what I like to call "rolling bad luck". Every girl I was ever interested in, immediately after being introduced to him, flaked out on me. I can't place what it is but this has always happened.
It brings me to this blog... back in April '11, I met a young woman (GF #4) at a pub who was stunningly beautiful and very attracted to me. It was a short but tempestuous "relationship" (I used the word loosely since she never referred to me as her boyfriend) that ended very badly after about five weeks. I poured my all to be with this woman and she broke my heart. She cheated on me and I was devastated even more so since she never bothered to tell me it was over. Just discarded like an old toy and informed by a mutual friend that she was with some one new. It took me two months to get over her. I did get over her eventually and life was good. I was single and not really looking for anyone. However AJ and GF #4 remained friends, even communicating with each other from time to time. This bothered me but I let myself trust my friend.
To be continued...